Graduating During A Pandemic

I submitted my last paper for university about 3 weeks ago. In the moment, I felt relieved. I can take a break from all responsibilities. After some time, the abrupt ending of my student life settled in. I didn’t get to dress up for my last day like I envisioned. No goodbye hugs were experienced amongst friends. My capstone project was reduced to a simple submit button online, and not a full display at a graduation exhibit.

The abrupt end makes it easy to feel like I didn’t really finish university- that in September, I would go back and do it all again. There wasn’t any closure.

If you’re a recent-grad like myself, take a moment to think about everything you’ve accomplished. Be proud of yourself for every class, project, and challenge that you conquered to get to where you are now.

Heading out the door on my last day of school last year

At first, having time off felt like a treat. Since the whole world was slowing down, it was the best time to rest and recharge from the constant state of go. I filled my days with intuition. What do I want to do today? Am I feeling lazy right now? I felt at peace doing activities for the sole purpose of fun.

Expectedly, I started to feel unsettled after some time. I’ve always lived life working towards something. I know what I want to achieve, and I do the following steps to get there. My mom laughed at how I made a to-do list for my time-off because I didn’t want to waste it.

The unsettling feeling lead me to the realization that even though I preach my independence, I attach my worth on external validations like getting good grades as a student or money/recognition from a job.

Since the only goal I’ve been working towards is taking care of myself, I don’t feel accomplished because no one else can feel what I feel. There is nothing from the outside coming in. There’s no money or grades or praise.

There is a big difference between internal and external validation. Ideally, internal would be enough.

Although I feel unsettled, at the same time I feel like I’m not ready to dive into looking for jobs. Submitting applications and writing cover letters seem like it requires vulnerability. I don’t think I have the capacity to be more vulnerable right now.

I acknowledge that I am coming from a place of privilege. My heart goes out to those struggling to make ends meet right now. Perhaps they too don’t have the capacity to be vulnerable, but have no choice.

This pandemic won’t last forever. It’s daunting to think of what’s next. I take comfort in the thought that there are still things I can control. I can take it one thing at a time.

I can continue to express love for myself and others. I can design and create, even if there’s no end goal. I can slowly dip my feet in the water by fine-tuning my resume or updating my LinkedIn photo. I can be on the look-out for opportunities without feeling like I have to maniacally refresh job posting sites.

I can think about the small steps that will eventually lead me to a direction.